Rant session

Because that is what I need right now. I had a terrible class this morning; so what I need to do is write about it, get rid of my negative feelings, then let it go.

I totally lost it with one of my sixth grade classes this morning. Well, to be fair, I should start from the beginning. This class is the more difficult of the two sixth grade classes, and I had some difficulties with this particular group before, but I was still able to get done what I had planned. Today, in the first half of the class, Anna and I realized that this class is quite behind in the material they are learning, and they have a test coming up in two weeks, so she asked me to do something a little different than what I had planned so that they could practice more what we were working on. I said that was fine and I didn't mind at all that she went a bit over my time with them. So when I went with the group to my classroom, we found that the door to get into the section of the school where the room is located was locked. Today it is very cold outside, so I felt bad making the kids wait outside. But I couldn't see any janitors around, so I had to make them wait outside while I ran in to find someone with a key, there's no way I wanted to wander around looking for the janitor with 23 eleven year olds following me. I was gone just a minute, found the janitor, and he went to go find the keys because they were not on his person. The kids were running around in circles to keep warm, I felt bad. But I was also annoyed that the door was locked, they have a copy of my schedule so that they know when to open the door. It is very difficult for me to calm down a group of kids after we've lost nearly ten minutes waiting for the door to be opened. So when the door was finally opened, I knew I was up for a bit of a challenge trying to get them to focus, especially since we only had about 25 minutes left at this point of a class that supposed to last 45 minutes.

So I did my best and tried to plow through what I was supposed to teach them. It started off okay, some kids weren't listening, but enough were that I kept going, decided that is they didn't care, then that was their loss. But as the class went on, more and more kids starting talking, until it became to difficult for me to talk over them. This is a pretty common occurrence, but usually I am able to get them to quiet down and listen. But I tried everything, and I just couldn't get their attention. What's worse, they were starting to be really disrespectful, some laughing at me, some continuously getting out of their seats to bother another student, hitting each wither their books, or just flat out ignoring me when I tried to get them to participate. Normally I am a pretty patient person, but for some reason, I just LOST it. I am not much of a yeller, but this time the shouts just flew out of my mouth. I mean, I was almost screaming. Well, that got them to quiet down, so I proceeded to give them a speech about how disrespectful they were being to me, because I was trying to help them learn something knew that they had to know for their test. I had to do this all in spanish to get their attention, and anyone who speaks a second (or third, or fourth) language could attest to how difficult it is to lecture in a language that's not your first, especially when your emotions are already pretty high. So I was kind of struggling for words and making some mistakes that I wouldn't normally make. Some kids began to laugh at the way I was speaking, which only made me more upset. I totally understand kids thinking it sounds funny when someone makes a mistake in their language, but at the same time, in this context, of the teacher lecturing the student, it was totally out of line. I took it as a complete lack of respect for me. So I went on for a good couple of minutes, telling them how disrespectful they were being, and how sad it made me because I don't like to be mean and yell, but I don't know how else to get their attention. One of my students told me that what we were doing was boring (again, a bit disrespectful, but I do understand, because I agree). I told him, well yeah, what we are doing is a bit boring, but we can't do the fun stuff until they learn what it is I was teaching first. I told them learning a language is fun, if they just try. I don't even know what else I said, I was kind of at the point where words were just falling out of my mouth and I could feel myself getting more and more upset. I could hear my voice shaking. It was awful. Now I am sure that any teacher would say that they have at some point experienced a similar sort of breakdown in their career. But it's an awful feeling, because obviously I know it isn't the best way to get control of the class. And I felt so vulnerable having them see me lose it like that. I tried my best to take a deep breath and make it through the rest of the class without crying. They were a little bit better, and we got through the material, but even after my classroom was empty, I could still feel myself shaking and my heart was still beating faster than normal.

I decided I had to go talk to Ana (my co-teacher) but as I was making my way to the teacher's lounge to find her, I got caught in a major traffic jam of kids carrying chairs into the gymnasium. No problem, I thought, I'll just wait. Then the kids started pushing each other in all directions, some were carrying chairs on their head, it was just total chaos and I was sure someone was going to get hurt. I waited for the other teacher standing nearby to try and put some order to the situation, but she just stood there like she really didn't care. So, I did the same, already feeling defeated. Sometimes, I just can't believe the lack of order and discipline in the school. And I can't help but compare to the way things are done back at home. Sometimes it just feels like rules to not exist here, like the kids are totally in charge. This is by far the biggest challenge for me here.

I know I have a lot to learn as a teacher, but for me, I think it is completely unacceptable to tolerate a lack of respect. At the end of the day, I am the teacher, and I must demand at least a basic level respect. Not caring or a lack of interest is one thing, but respecting the teacher as the authority figure is something else, and to me that is a serious problem. I talked to Ana and she was very understanding and supportive as always and said she will talk to the class as well as the individuals who were the biggest problems. Last time she had to do that it did help, so hopefully it will help this time. But, I do understand that this is a common problem with students, not just here in Chile. I don't know, it's something I'm just going to have to work through the best I can I guess.

So that's that, I just needed to mindlessly rant for a bit. To end on a positive note, I've been making an effort to be social and make some Chilean friends. Last night I went out with some of the younger teachers, and got along especially well with two who are the same age as me. We went to a bar that had salsa dancing. While I did not participate, I watched, and for the first time felt motivated to learn. I've never been interested in salsa before because generally I don't like partner dancing, but it looks fun. So I am thinking about going to the weekly salsa class offered here with my two new friends.